learning to be patient

I am learning... albeit slowly... to be patient.

I always want immediate results. But life is showing me that as I wait, I am receiving more submissions for the Cozine project (see the Cozine-WIP blog). It fits into asking myself what it is I really want to accomplish with this project. Do I want to publish a book/zine/whatever? Or, do I really want to inspire? If it is the latter, then I must be willing to be patient and see how it develops. I must be willing to let the project be fluid, to flow into filling its purpose. And I must be willing to learn from it and let myself flow as well.

Create for the right reasons

This thing, creativity, is a sticky trap sometimes. I have talked to a few people now over the last week, and I have found that the theme (as always) is a desire kept at bay (or depressed) by expectation. What I mean is that we want to do stuff, but we end up not doing stuff because our expectations cause us to over-think the thing.

"I have this great idea... well, maybe it should be more... nah,,, that's lame... nobody will like that... it's already been done... why should I waste my time on this lame thing that nobody will like that's already been done! Fuckit!... but, I have this great idea..." and on and on and on
The other big problem is excuses. Well, excuses is probably the wrong term because it seems that most of us don't even make really conscious excuses. We just allow the million-and-one little daily activities and habits bleed away all our time, and then we can just say, "well, I would have done the creative thing, but I just don't seem to have the time." And when an actual free moment does accidentally creep up on us then we just "don't feel like it right now" or "don't really feel inspired".

The main point to all this is that being creative -- that is, creating things, expressing yourself, whatever -- is WORK. You have to decide how you want to feel about your life on the day you die.

Think about yourself on your "deathbed". It is the last day you will be alive. How do you want to see your existence? Are there things you will regret not having done? If in that list of regrets there is "being creative", then you need to do something to fix that.

I do not mean this to be some broad gesture of spiritual epiphany. This is not a "sieze the day" axiom of a coffee-table book masturbation. This is very, very practical. If you feel the desire to be creative, you should do a little something -- a lame, unnoticed, waste-of-time something -- today. Today is the only day there is. And again, by this I do not mean that today is the day to write the novel, paint the masterpiece, compose the symphony. Today is the day to jot down some ideas. Today is the day to make some sketches. Today is the day to record a messy song. Just do a little something. The more little somethings you do, the better you will feel. One day you will have a whole pile of little somethings, and at that point you can decide if it can be something bigger.

It's time to nuture myself

I am realizing that I am not in a nurturing space right now -- that should be clear from the emothional roller-coaster of the previous couple of posts.

I will happily recieve any more submissions -- hey, at least I got you to make something.

But I am realizing that this project requires that I am in a space of being healthy in myself -- which I am not right now -- so that I can be supportive and nurturing... not reactive and emotional. So for the time being, the project is on hold. I will hopefully be able to relaunch in the future.

In the meantime... keep creating. It's good for our souls.

This process isn't easy

Yesterday, I was feeling pretty bummed out.

I'm sorry if some of the previous post seems bitter. I don't mean to slam anyone. And, of coues, I really appreciate the submissions I have recieved (big thanks to those who did). I just got kind of irritable about the lack of response/enthusiasm on the other end. When the first few responses came in, I got so excited about the project. I could really start to see what the book was going to look like. But then when I had to press to get a response from anyone else, I just got grumpy.

So... I don't want to be grumpy. I want to make an art-book. And I want to encourage people to create something. This project is exciting for me, and I can already see the positive effect on some people. So for me, it's about being less reactive, and just getting back to my job as an editor -- which is to make this zine what I think it can be.

and please... if you don't want me to bug you to submit, just let me know you aren't interested -- no hard feelings, really.

I feel foolish

This is not an effort to guilt anyone into submitting... really. I'm just trying to remain as transparent as possible through this process because I feel like that's what it is all about for me. This project is meant to be inspiring. It is meant to explore why we create and (maybe more importantly) why we don't. It's also meant to be an experiment in collaboration.

When I started this, I thought it would be fun to make a publication of work from the various creative people I know (including myself). But the turnout has been very low... pathetic really. I don't really understand why it is so difficult for people just to take part in a creative venture. I understand the fear thing -- I get scared of creativity all the time (and it often stifles my creations). And I get the "too busy" thing... though that frustrates me. But I don't get how people can just shrug off creativity as something which doesn't deserve respect or consideration. Much of what was submitted was stuff people just had lying around -- "oh, here's this thing I did a few years ago... you can use it if you like".

I feel like a little kid -- getting all excited about something that all the adults shrug off as silly and unimportant... all the while I run around shouting "look at me, look at me".

Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I'm asking people to get excited about something that is just in my own head, and then feeling confused when collaboration doesn't "just happen" on it's own. My reaction to that is if this isn't successful, I will probably just shut it down and continue work on my own stuff exclusively. Maybe that's what I am learning most from this. That collaboration is not something that is the genesis of a single person inviting other to come join. Collaboration is something that grows out of the needs of a group. If this is true, then my collaborative ventures are yet to come -- somewhere in the future when there is a group... and a need.

I'm trying not to get too down about it. There have been some positive parts, there have been some lessons learned. But overall, I feel foolish.

Keep your eyes on your own paper

I'm all mixed up this morning. There are several people in my life that are "moving ahead", and I feel like I'm standing still. One friend just finished his second short-film and is starting a third (all in the span of just a few months). Another just had his first art show (a student show, but still). I am working on a few different things right now, but nothing has come to be lately. On top of all this, I just spent my entire summer working on code, only to have it blow up in my face -- so that feels like a huge waste of time. And now, I am here... feeling kind of dumpy, and not very creative.

The main problem is that I am breaking the cardinal rule: "keep your eyes on your own paper".

So today, I am tuning out the noise and getting beck to my own work.

It's scary to be creative

Someone wrote to me yesterday:

"I really, really want to submit something but I feel nervous about trying. Silly, huh? Creativity scares me ... I love to write and even though I shouldn't need a reason to write, this is the perfect reason to start something."

I think that being creative is scary. It can be so wonderful. It can make your spirit soar. But getting going is like stepping off a cliff. And even once you start, it's hard to keep up your stamina to finish. The trick is having something to kick you in the ass so you just stumble over the edge. You can deliver this kick to yourself, but often that means that fear stops you from delivering it.

This is why we started the Cozine project. To be a kick in the ass.